One of the challenges of work in ministry and other social-service not-for-profits is that we tend to want the best for people. We try to treat them seriously and honourably. We try to give them respect. Most of the time that’s a great way to be. Not only is it faithful to the invitation of most religious traditions, it just plain builds a happier world. But some people are toxic. If they are a fellow employee, they can turn going into work each day into a barefoot walk across live coals with three-inch spikes sticking up! As you open the door to the building, you can feel your stomach knotting. They have a similar effect if they are part of the volunteer body you work with. Only then, their impact can be considerably wider and lots more people feel the plague.
It’s an occupational hazard I guess: because we’re working for the good and striving to see healthful change in the world, we are – to a degree – optimists. That makes us think that these folks can get better. And most of us have seen the results that indicate that with enough time and attention, people do heal. But some difficult people remain difficult no matter how hard we work at it. As I’ve learned the hard way, if we don’t address toxic people it gets worse. And if their influence grows, they can derail the entire mission.
How can we identify them? I want to be careful here because any one of the following, although disturbing, may not indicate full-on toxicity. But if you get a couple or more together – watch out!
The person who wants to be involved in everything right from the start rings alarm bells. Of course, most churches and non-profits are on the lookout for eager and willing participants. So, we enable the toxicity because of our own needs. Toxic people want to be the centre of attention – all the attention!
Most people have opinions. I give people the benefit of the doubt that their opinions are valid. Most people will reserve their opinions until they are asked or at least until a relationship of some sort develops. Not toxic people. They don’t just volunteer them, they pronounce them uninvited and get terribly bent out of shape if you don’t agree.
Toxic people often move frequently. When you pick up hints that they’ve been to three or four churches or were part of a major split that caused them to leave, I’d want to look more carefully. It’s one thing if someone leaves a church because they can no longer tolerate doctrinal positions that they feel diminish a part of the population or because there’s no interest in life and growth there. Chances are, if they left a lot of other places, they’ll leave yours too. Watch out for the feeling inside you, that yours is the one true Garden of Eden they’ve been looking for, that this is the place they will finally find a spiritual home, that you are just the spiritual guide they need. We can pray that that happens – just don’t set your heart on it.
Those folks who give you advice when they first meet you, put up red flags for me. You haven’t been around here long enough to know what needs to happen. The longer their list of possible improvements, the more dangerous they are. Now, I have no trouble with advice or feedback that arises from a genuinely helpful place. Can we get better – always. Can I sharpen my skills – you bet I can. Once, when I was a guest preacher somewhere, a parishioner sailed through the lineup after worship and informed me that if I didn’t watch a specific televangelist and “give my life to Christ” I should get out of ministry. All that from one service! Whew!
Have you ever met anyone who makes a big deal of showing up! They can be some of the most positive and encouraging people you meet at first blush. Everything is wonderful! I try and check myself when someone tells me that something is the best (fill in the blank) ever. I’d rather they started off neutral or moderately pleased and grew into a stronger positive emotion. What happens quickly can quickly turn to the other end of the positive-negative continuum.
Remember the words of the late Maya Angelou: “When people tell you who they are, believe them!” I’m not saying that you vote them off the island immediately. But as a leader, you need to care for yourself and others.
©2020 I Ross Bartlett
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